Finding Maria Again: A Boudoir Story About Coming Back to Yourself

Sometimes a woman walks into my studio because she wants beautiful photos.

And sometimes she walks through my door because she’s trying to find herself again.

Maria had been following my work on Instagram for about two years before she finally ended up in front of my camera. When she entered my giveaway, I asked her why she felt called to do a boudoir shoot.

Her answer stopped me.

“I want to step into my most confident, unapologetic, badass era, and boudoir photography feels like the first step toward becoming the woman I’ve been fighting so hard to find again.”

Over the last few years, Maria had lost more than 50 pounds. It was something she was incredibly proud of, but changing her body hadn’t magically changed the way she saw herself.

She had become a mother. She had been through multiple surgeries, trauma, weight gain, weight loss and all the ways a woman’s body can change while she is busy simply trying to survive her life.

Somewhere in all of that, she felt like she had lost sight of herself.

“Who is Maria? Where did she go?”

That question really stuck with me.

Because I think there are so many women who could ask themselves the exact same thing.

When changing your body doesn’t change how you see it

Maria also shared that she struggles with severe body dysmorphia.

People could tell her she was beautiful, sexy or strong, but those words weren’t landing because she couldn’t fully see those things herself.

And that was why she wanted to do this.

Not because she thought a boudoir shoot would magically erase every insecurity she had. She actually said exactly the opposite:

“Maybe boudoir won’t magically erase my insecurities. But if it helps me see even a glimpse of the woman everyone else seems to see, then it will be worth it.”

She wanted to look at her body and see more than the things she had spent years criticizing.

The body that carried her child.

The body that survived surgeries.

The body that carried her through trauma.

The body that changed, gained weight, lost more than 50 pounds and kept fucking going.

She wanted to explore her femininity, confidence, sensuality and strength. She wanted to stop seeing herself as someone who needed fixing and start seeing herself as the powerful, resilient woman she already was.

In her words:

“Because this isn’t just about photographs. It’s about finding Maria again.”

So we created something completely outside her comfort zone

When I asked Maria which sets she wanted to shoot in, she didn’t give me a carefully planned list.

She basically handed me the reins.

“I’m open to everything! I want to step out of comfort and into sexy.”

Fuck yes.

We started in the Dark Room with the cream couch and gold mirror. It’s a simple, moody space, and the darkness of the room can make it feel a little easier to settle in for that first set while the nerves start to disappear.

Next up was my new Library Set, where we could play a little more, get creative and turn up the spice.

And then we finished in the green bedroom set, where the outfit was simply the sheets. By this point, Maria was more comfortable, more confident and ready to let go a little. It was the perfect way to finish the session—feeling a little more free in her body than when she first walked through the door.

Three completely different looks. Three different energies. And throughout the shoot, I watched her settle into herself more and more.

That is one of my favourite things about photographing women.

You do not need to walk into my studio already feeling confident. You don't need to know how to pose, how to move your body or how to “be sexy.”

That's my job.

Sometimes the confidence comes because you were willing to do the thing while you were still nervous.

And then Maria saw her photographs.

This is where her story gets really good.

A few days after her experience, Maria left me a Google review. She wrote about walking into Pink Blush nervous, with insecurities running through her mind, and then slowly watching those feelings disappear.

She said:

“She made me feel confident, empowered, and absolutely amazing in my own skin.”

But the part that really got me was what happened when she actually saw herself.

“And the photos… WOW. I honestly couldn’t believe it was me. Seeing myself through Sarina’s lens gave me a whole new perspective of myself. I saw confidence, strength, femininity, and a version of myself that I’ve been working so hard to find again.”

There she was.

Maria.

Not a different woman.

Not a magically “fixed” version of herself.

Not someone who suddenly had a completely different body.

Her.

The woman who had been there through motherhood, surgeries, trauma, weight changes, insecurity and every hard chapter she had survived.

Maybe she just needed the opportunity to see herself without all the noise for a minute.

This is why I photograph women

Maria finished her review by saying:

“This experience was about so much more than beautiful photos. It was about celebrating myself, reclaiming my confidence, and stepping outside of my comfort zone.”

And this is exactly why, after 15 years of photographing women, I still don't get tired of doing this.

Of course I want to make you look fucking incredible.

I want the gorgeous lighting, the beautiful sets, the sexy poses and the images that make you stare at yourself and say, “Holy shit. THAT'S ME?”

But underneath all of that is something so much bigger.

I want to give women an opportunity to see themselves differently.

Especially the women who have spent years at war with their bodies.

The women who have survived things.

The mothers who don't quite recognize the woman in the mirror anymore.

The women entering a new chapter.

The women who have spent years saying, I'll do it when I lose the weight. I'll do it when I'm confident. I'll do it when I finally feel good enough.

Maybe you don't have to become someone else first.

Maybe the woman you're looking for is already there.

Sometimes you just need the chance to finally fucking see her.

Maria came into my studio wanting to find herself again.

I think it is safe to say she found a little more than that.